I suppose I really should've put up another entry saying I'd be away for a very long time. I have been very, very preoccupied lately, and as it always happens, the more you wait do something, the more you somehow dread doing it because you've waited for too long. Well, if anyone's interested, a somewhat comprehensive, and maybe morbidly amusing, recap of this month and a half is coming up.

It's amazing how it seems so long ago that I flew to this new place with my parents who came to help me settle down, when it's only little more than a month ago. In that frantic week, we spent almost every waking moment driving around, looking for apartments, buying furnitures, buying household appliances, stocking up the fridge, when there was so little time left that we mainly lived on frozen food products. It was only by the end that I realized I had never spent so much time with both my parents together in over ten years, and I was enjoying it so much just it was soon to be over. Now the warmth of their presence is long gone from my one-bedroom apartment, my new... "home."

I'm starting to discover all the quiet ways in which living alone can be unnerving. Already the desk space around my computer is cluttered with torn open bills, credit card offers, crinkled packing slips, and grocery receipts with useless and obnoxiously colorful coupons on the back. Socializing with friends is now a commitment I must make with everyone individually, and as much fun as it to talk on the phone, I can't help but think it's an inefficient intrusion into everyone's time. Going shopping on my own is a bore for me, and really going anywhere is a chore because I still need to learn how to drive (Yeah, I can hear snickering already). Last week, survival sneaked up on me and bonked me over the head with an overdue rent, while I was still waiting for my first paycheck to clear.

At least my first real job is going fairly well, and hopefully won't fail me again with paychecks. All the people on my team are thankfully no more than 30 (at least in appearance and behavior). They're very nice and helpful in answering my various questions. It's especially fortunate that I came in at a time when they're preparing to use brand-new technology to make new products, so I can enjoy the relaxed atmosphere while I learn the ropes with them. I still suspect being an only daughter growing up in a country where none of my grandparents or uncles or aunties or cousins can bother me has made me a wuss in terms of independence, but at least the obstacle of survival l will overcome eventually.

So what's there to complain about? you might think. I know what most people would think when they first walk into my apartment and see the two large windows on my living room wall, framing the distant green hilltop dotted with little houses, under an ever-blue Californian sky: How bright and lovely the view is! And yet even as I gaze at the cheery landscape, I can't help but remember that inside my apartment is just a mess with bits of paper waste covering every surface, cardboard boxes and plastic bags strewn all over the floor, and blank walls devoid of any personality or... life. The blinding sunny rays from those large windows make my room all the darker. It's the intangible void that frightens me most. I'm sure this seems silly to many of you, and I can rationalize it that way too, but sometimes, fear just grips me too tightly for me to see clearly. I do wonder if anyone else ever feels that way...

Well, if you actually read this far, you can probably tell that the well of my worries is deep (it's probably unfathomable). Maybe it seems like I'm just rambling, but this actually also plays into why I hesitate to be on dA for a while. I've always been very anxious about my artistic skills, but now it has gotten worse since I really haven't drawn anything as the mundanity of life wears me down. I think I came to dA with unrealistic expectations. I really hoped that being in the community would invigorate my imagination and help with my pursuit of skill improvement. Now I look at the stuff I was actually proud enough to put on dA in shame. I don't think I've made anything worthwhile, and I don't know if I ever will. I still don't have much artistic stamina, and I've mostly spent my time on dA marveling at the amazing artists on my watch list, wishing futilely that I could be like them. Like so many things in my life, I truly wish in my heart that I don't have to go through it alone, but somehow I have no choice but solitude.

I don't know what to do with this account. I probably won't submit anything on it for a while until I can learn to stand up on my own two feet, until I can actually be proud and believe in my own work. I really don't know when that would be. And if you actually read this far, then I apologize for sounding like an emo angsty teenager (maybe I never grew out of it) and I thank you very much for taking your time to listen to what takes me great effort to tell you.